Which Is It? Happiness Or Holiness When It Comes To How To Save Your Marriage?

Gary Thomas writes in his best-selling book, Sacred Marriage, “The idea that marriage can survive on romance alone, or that romantic feeling is more important than any other consideration when choosing a spouse, has wrecked many a marital ship.”  If your marriage is struggling or certainly not where you want it to be, how to save your marriage must start from a completely different place.

In my podcast last week, I talked about how easy and natural it is for all of us to point our love “arrows” inwardly and seek love for ourselves rather than outwardly pointing them as exampled by our creator. This is nowhere more evident than in relationships especially marriage. How many times have you heard someone say or perhaps have even said yourself, “I am just not feeling it anymore.” “They have changed” or “I have changed.” “I do so much more than they do…” “It’s just not fair.”  If you have ever heard or said these words, there is a strong chance that the relationship is not built on a solid foundation.

When you start to feel this way and/or your “romantic feelings” are slipping away and if you believe and follow popular philosophy as dispensed in TV shows, magazines, and talk shows, you might find it easy to say, “Well if I feel this way…they must not really be my soul-mate.” The idea that a healthy marriage is based at any time upon how you feel does indeed set you up for a martial ship wreck and is not how to save your marriage. Here is the reason. Biblical love is based upon commitment, not feelings. Can you imagine if God loved us based upon how HE felt about us at any given moment? I don’t know about you, but for me, I might be in a heap of trouble.  Furthermore, the concept of “grace” would be totally thrown out the window as well.

I like what Gary Thomas says when he poses this question, “What if God designed marriage to make us Holy more than to make us happy?” Okay, I can hear you saying “…well that’s a real encouraging question…and anyway, I just want to be happy!” Well if you want to become happy…really happy then become Holy! To understand how, we need to look at the definition of the word, Holy. Simply put, Holy means “dedicated and devoted unconditionally to” another …most often God as in a Holy man. However, if you were Holy in your love for your spouse, you would put their needs above that of your own. In other words, you would love them unconditionally. That especially means loving them when it isn’t fair…when they don’t deserve it and when the score card is 1000 to 1 when comparing your giving to their giving. You might say, “Why should I love them unconditionally?” The answer is easy. Because that is how God loves you. He loves you regardless of how many times you screw up. Regardless of how many times you are disrespectful. Regardless of how many times you are self-consumed. Little-by-little…when we experience (are aware of) His incredible and unconditional love, we begin to change. We slowly and gradually want to do more for Him and to become more pleasing to Him. This is exactly what happens when your spouse experiences YOUR “true” unconditional love. Even the hardest-of-hearts (often under the greatest deception) are…over time… returned to their unhardened state when they are bathed in unconditional love. You may have heard it said that love conquers all…and it is so true.  This is how you save your marriage…the more holy you are in your love for your spouse the better your marriage will become permanent.

This week we want to focus on seeking to understand our spouses and then loving them unconditionally. You want to fight as hard to understand them, as you fight to be understood by them. To learn more on how to do this, please see my blog post on guarding your heart. This means that you will have to extend them the courtesy of the benefit-of-the-doubt and seek to understand why they are saying or doing what they are saying or doing. This also means you will love them unconditionally no matter what even though they may not DESERVE it. When you find yourself saying, “Why am I doing this?” Just quietly whisper to yourself, “Because HE (God) loves me this way too…even though I don’t deserve it either.”  Then, compose yourself, ask for God’s strength and favor and continue to love unconditionally. Plus, know that this is how you save your marriage permanently and ultimately make it 100 x better.

  1. Ask God to cover you supernaturally this week. Ask Him to give you supernatural patience and protection against deception and anger. Ask Him to give you a double or triple portioning of His intended favor as you commit yourself to giving 100% unconditional love and understanding.
  2. Don’t react! Stop count to 10 and ask yourself what is really going on behind the words or actions before you even think about speaking. Seek to understand no matter how wronged you “feel.”
  3. Ask yourself, “How can I love him/her even more…even though I have just heard him/her say or do this or that?”
  4. Remember why you are doing this.  This is how you save your marriage and turn it around for both YOU and YOUR spouse…not to mention everyone else in your family who loves you.
  5. Lastly, a recent study reported in Dr. Phil’s book, Relationship Rescue, found that the divorce rate among faith-based people and non-faith-based people was about the same a little over 50%.  Yet the same report found that for couples who prayed together daily, the divorce rate in this group was…get ready…1 in 10,000.  What if it turned out that the most powerful form of intimacy is not having sex together, but instead praying together…how could this transform the world?